Friend-shipwrecked: Navigating the Sea of Isolation
Friend-shipwrecked: Navigating The Sea of Isolation
"To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all the loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it." - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Think of any movie or TV show you've seen. Every character either has someone they could call a friend, or the absence of friendship becomes a central part of their story.
Consider the film Cast Away, featuring none other than Wilson the Volleyball. Sure, Tom Hanks's character mattered, but it was his desperate need for companionship--and his "friendship" with Wilson--that truly made the story compelling. In isolation, we create connections--even with inanimate objects--because we're wired to share life with others. Without friends, we risk drifting into shipwrecked despair, missing out on the joy, accountability, and strength that only true friendship can provide.
Today, in the wake of a global pandemic and the rise of 'deaths of despair,' we're more in need of friendship than ever. Yet, we're finding it harder to build these bonds. In 2021, 15% of men and 10% of women reported having no close friends--a staggering increase from only 3% and 2% in 1990 (source: American Perspectives Survey, May 2021; Gallup, 1990). But what even is a "close friend"?
What is Friendship?
Most of us would agree that a Facebook "friend" isn’t necessarily a real friend. In fact, the modern use of "friend" has emptied the word of much of its meaning, reducing us to either "friend or foe"--as anyone who’s been "unfriended" might tell you. But we all know friendship isn't that simple.
The Greek philosopher Aristotle in his book Nicomachean Ethics argued that there are three main categories of friendship:
While it's great to have "a guy to call for this" (utility) or a "girlfriend to enjoy that with" (pleasure), only virtue-based friendships help us grow and weather life's challenges together.
True friendships are central in Scripture too, from Ruth and Naomi's loyal companionship, and David and Jonathan's friendship, to Jesus' close bond with his disciples. Yet some modern readers have misinterpreted these friendships as romantic, reflecting our culture's tendency to conflate love with romance.
In her 2022 book Platonic, psychologist Marisa Franco writes about how the space for non-romantic friendship love has significantly shrunk in recent years. She writes: "The jumbling of any type of love with sexual love has made it significantly more complicated to verbalize our love for friends." Long gone are the days where someone like Lord Byron could write a thoughtful poem of deep longing to be reunited to a friend without insinuation of sexual undertones. As Franco points out, our culture's blending of love with romance can rob friendships of depth and sincerity. We need spaces for friendship love, and we must reclaim them intentionally.
Perhaps in another blog I can address how, while friendship is an important metaphor in scripture, family is the preferred metaphor of the gospel and how our relationships are often shallow because we guard them from the depths of siblinghood in fear of rejection. But for this post my focus will simply be on how we can deepen our friendships.
Should all friendships be equally deep?
My children regularly ask if I love them "as much as __(fill in the blank)__" The answer is almost always the same unless the blank is filled in with "Mommy" or "God"... then I feel funny and respond with "I love you differently…" but if I'm honest I really do love their mommy more and I desire and battle with my heart to love God more. Sometimes it is a no-brainer that we love or enjoy some things more than others, other times it is incredibly complicated, but with friendship it is essential that we make these distinctions.
It is impossible to love and enjoy all of your friends at an equal depth unless you choose to keep everyone at arm's length or limit your relationships to one to two people… as a finite human you only have 168 hours in your week, and roughly a third of that will be spent asleep! Jesus had crowds in the thousands, and at times followers in the hundreds, but he did not have equal depth with all of them. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were very good friends, but they were not part of his core twelve men and three women (Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Susanna) that traveled closest with him. And still, he had an even tighter circle with Peter, James, and John.
Jesus understood that being human meant that he could not be everyone's best friend. True friendship takes investment. This is why he took time to get away with his friends. He took them out as a group, and on at least one occasion he only took Peter, James and John who on their retreat witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus. True friendship takes investment and intentionality. The reality is that our friendships will wane over time if we don't intentionally invest in them. The longer we neglect a friendship the harder it will be to regain depth or go deeper.
How can I be a better/deeper friend?
The key to quality and depth in friendship is appropriate time, appropriate curiosity, and appropriate vulnerability. Don't miss the emphasis on appropriate. Sometimes we experience instant intimacy that lasts, a beautiful bond of mutual vulnerability and understanding is formed and carries your friendship. If you have that, I love that for you… if you expect that, I fear for you.
If we want to be better friends we will seek to honor and respect each other by understanding what is appropriate for the other person given where they are. Brad Hambrick has said in his book Transformational Friendships, "the modern proverb 'knowledge is power' is true. When one person knows much more about the other person, the relationship is imbalanced. A friendship inadvertently mutates into a helping relationship."
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with helping relationships. It's great to have mentors, counselors, teachers, etc. All of those are helping relationships. But we should be careful to distinguish those from friendships, otherwise we will be met with disappointment and hurt. A helping relationship is appropriately imbalanced in time, curiosity, and vulnerability (all focused on the development of the person being helped). However, in developing friendships (that go to our desired depths) we need:
Where should I start?
It is alarmingly common that when the average full-time employee retires that they experience some form of depression. This may explain why 20% of the incidents of a person taking their life are those ages 65+. Retirement can often trigger feelings of helpless isolation if our relationships were all or predominantly ones of utility. Even if relationships of pleasure were plentiful (sports leagues, books clubs, etc.) you will find that as you enter your older years it only becomes harder to transform those relationships into ones of virtue. No matter what your stage of life, it’s not too late! It simply takes intentionality and curiosity. Would you tell me your story? What’s something you're really passionate about, and how did you get into it? If you could have a perfect day, what would it include? What does your ideal future look like?
Friendship isn't only for moments of crisis; it's a life-giving investment. As Proverbs 17:22 reminds us, "a cheerful heart is good medicine"--and one of the best ways to cultivate this is by building and nurturing friendships. Let's resist isolation by creating friendships that are intentional, compassionate, and enduring.
Friendship, as Proverbs tells us, is life-giving: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). True friends "love at all times", offering support in adversity and joy in abundance (Proverbs 17:17). Let us invest in the friendships that will sharpen, strengthen, and refresh us. In a world that increasingly isolates, may we seek out and nurture friends who "stick closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), bringing richness to our lives and theirs alike.
"To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all the loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it." - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Think of any movie or TV show you've seen. Every character either has someone they could call a friend, or the absence of friendship becomes a central part of their story.
Consider the film Cast Away, featuring none other than Wilson the Volleyball. Sure, Tom Hanks's character mattered, but it was his desperate need for companionship--and his "friendship" with Wilson--that truly made the story compelling. In isolation, we create connections--even with inanimate objects--because we're wired to share life with others. Without friends, we risk drifting into shipwrecked despair, missing out on the joy, accountability, and strength that only true friendship can provide.
Today, in the wake of a global pandemic and the rise of 'deaths of despair,' we're more in need of friendship than ever. Yet, we're finding it harder to build these bonds. In 2021, 15% of men and 10% of women reported having no close friends--a staggering increase from only 3% and 2% in 1990 (source: American Perspectives Survey, May 2021; Gallup, 1990). But what even is a "close friend"?
What is Friendship?
Most of us would agree that a Facebook "friend" isn’t necessarily a real friend. In fact, the modern use of "friend" has emptied the word of much of its meaning, reducing us to either "friend or foe"--as anyone who’s been "unfriended" might tell you. But we all know friendship isn't that simple.
The Greek philosopher Aristotle in his book Nicomachean Ethics argued that there are three main categories of friendship:
- Pleasure: relationships where you share common interests
- Utility: networking or work relationships
- Virtue: relationships with intentional mutual transformation
While it's great to have "a guy to call for this" (utility) or a "girlfriend to enjoy that with" (pleasure), only virtue-based friendships help us grow and weather life's challenges together.
True friendships are central in Scripture too, from Ruth and Naomi's loyal companionship, and David and Jonathan's friendship, to Jesus' close bond with his disciples. Yet some modern readers have misinterpreted these friendships as romantic, reflecting our culture's tendency to conflate love with romance.
In her 2022 book Platonic, psychologist Marisa Franco writes about how the space for non-romantic friendship love has significantly shrunk in recent years. She writes: "The jumbling of any type of love with sexual love has made it significantly more complicated to verbalize our love for friends." Long gone are the days where someone like Lord Byron could write a thoughtful poem of deep longing to be reunited to a friend without insinuation of sexual undertones. As Franco points out, our culture's blending of love with romance can rob friendships of depth and sincerity. We need spaces for friendship love, and we must reclaim them intentionally.
Perhaps in another blog I can address how, while friendship is an important metaphor in scripture, family is the preferred metaphor of the gospel and how our relationships are often shallow because we guard them from the depths of siblinghood in fear of rejection. But for this post my focus will simply be on how we can deepen our friendships.
Should all friendships be equally deep?
My children regularly ask if I love them "as much as __(fill in the blank)__" The answer is almost always the same unless the blank is filled in with "Mommy" or "God"... then I feel funny and respond with "I love you differently…" but if I'm honest I really do love their mommy more and I desire and battle with my heart to love God more. Sometimes it is a no-brainer that we love or enjoy some things more than others, other times it is incredibly complicated, but with friendship it is essential that we make these distinctions.
It is impossible to love and enjoy all of your friends at an equal depth unless you choose to keep everyone at arm's length or limit your relationships to one to two people… as a finite human you only have 168 hours in your week, and roughly a third of that will be spent asleep! Jesus had crowds in the thousands, and at times followers in the hundreds, but he did not have equal depth with all of them. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were very good friends, but they were not part of his core twelve men and three women (Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Susanna) that traveled closest with him. And still, he had an even tighter circle with Peter, James, and John.
Jesus understood that being human meant that he could not be everyone's best friend. True friendship takes investment. This is why he took time to get away with his friends. He took them out as a group, and on at least one occasion he only took Peter, James and John who on their retreat witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus. True friendship takes investment and intentionality. The reality is that our friendships will wane over time if we don't intentionally invest in them. The longer we neglect a friendship the harder it will be to regain depth or go deeper.
How can I be a better/deeper friend?
The key to quality and depth in friendship is appropriate time, appropriate curiosity, and appropriate vulnerability. Don't miss the emphasis on appropriate. Sometimes we experience instant intimacy that lasts, a beautiful bond of mutual vulnerability and understanding is formed and carries your friendship. If you have that, I love that for you… if you expect that, I fear for you.
If we want to be better friends we will seek to honor and respect each other by understanding what is appropriate for the other person given where they are. Brad Hambrick has said in his book Transformational Friendships, "the modern proverb 'knowledge is power' is true. When one person knows much more about the other person, the relationship is imbalanced. A friendship inadvertently mutates into a helping relationship."
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with helping relationships. It's great to have mentors, counselors, teachers, etc. All of those are helping relationships. But we should be careful to distinguish those from friendships, otherwise we will be met with disappointment and hurt. A helping relationship is appropriately imbalanced in time, curiosity, and vulnerability (all focused on the development of the person being helped). However, in developing friendships (that go to our desired depths) we need:
- Appropriate Time: Set aside flexible hours to invest in conversations and shared experiences.
- Appropriate Curiosity: Ask questions at a rate that the other person feels comfortable with.
- Appropriate Vulnerability: Share experiences at a mutual pace, matching your openness with the context and comfort of the other.
Where should I start?
It is alarmingly common that when the average full-time employee retires that they experience some form of depression. This may explain why 20% of the incidents of a person taking their life are those ages 65+. Retirement can often trigger feelings of helpless isolation if our relationships were all or predominantly ones of utility. Even if relationships of pleasure were plentiful (sports leagues, books clubs, etc.) you will find that as you enter your older years it only becomes harder to transform those relationships into ones of virtue. No matter what your stage of life, it’s not too late! It simply takes intentionality and curiosity. Would you tell me your story? What’s something you're really passionate about, and how did you get into it? If you could have a perfect day, what would it include? What does your ideal future look like?
Friendship isn't only for moments of crisis; it's a life-giving investment. As Proverbs 17:22 reminds us, "a cheerful heart is good medicine"--and one of the best ways to cultivate this is by building and nurturing friendships. Let's resist isolation by creating friendships that are intentional, compassionate, and enduring.
Friendship, as Proverbs tells us, is life-giving: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). True friends "love at all times", offering support in adversity and joy in abundance (Proverbs 17:17). Let us invest in the friendships that will sharpen, strengthen, and refresh us. In a world that increasingly isolates, may we seek out and nurture friends who "stick closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), bringing richness to our lives and theirs alike.
Posted in Pastor Eric Targe